Suspenders instead of pick-up lines.

As I scan the pub and stop at a pleasant-looking lady, it occurs to me that she must have mastered a variety of pick-up lines. Not that she consciously rehearses them; her exceptional ready knowledge is the result of a repetition exercise in which one guy after another comes forward to get a pat on the back for his ability to mumble clichés.

It's all the more humiliating when I struggle through the clue and she compassionately finishes it for me, without stuttering and with a better sense of timing. Do you see your friends in the corner of your eye?
laugh? That's right. Time to pour down some liquid heroism.

Let's be honest with each other: the pick-up line is dead, and we killed it. Sad news; but science offers a happy solution. There is an obscure mathematical law that guarantees success with women. This statistical rule is: wear suspenders .

What is the correlation between suspenders and a successful evening?

Allow me to explain myself. Walk into any crowded bar and take in the ladies. Research shows that about 95 out of 100 women don’t like braces. They despise anything eccentric. They may even find it presumptuous of you. Okay, we’re not going to change that now. Don’t waste energy on it.

There is always a downside to such things: the good news is that 5 out of 100 ladies in the pub adore braces. They love it. Now, take in the men. Take your time. What do you notice? How many of them are wearing braces? You're right, not a single man is wearing braces. Belt-wearers, all of them! Let them fight for the crowd, while you channel your energy and spend it wisely.

The pre-selection has been made; it already promises to be a memorable evening. Tonight, you alone can choose from five women. All you have to do is give them an excuse to say something about your suspenders, touch them, take a photo. All you have to do is get close to them. A modest walk through the pub is usually enough to start the tug-of-war. Or lean nonchalantly over the bar to get the right light. Okay, women who pull strings are a bit annoying, but this sign is a pertinent buying signal from the more silent types, and we should take it very seriously. Voilà! Doors are closing all around you because men (of course they are brave, but also not very original) are abusing language.

But for you, five doors open at once, and without saying a word. Wearing suspenders on a night out gives you a statistical advantage, but it also carries risks, so a word of caution is in order.

1. While you may have the undivided attention of the more strong-willed woman, be prepared for mischievous hockey ladies.
2. The later it gets, the greater the chance of a real brawl. The communicative function of suspenders varies by the hour, so to speak. They are no longer only touched by admirers; the envious also want your attention. Prepare for kissing or clapping.